“Yo momma is so” jokes, fat, stupid, ugly, short, hairy, nasty, skinny, old, poor, smelly




[top]Yo momma is so fat…

  1. …the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
  2. …when she weighs herself the scale says "To be continued…"
  3. …when she sits on a dollar, blood rushes out George Washington’s nose!
  4. …she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth!
  5. …her belly-button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.
  6. …when she walks in front of the T.V. you miss out on 3 commercials!
  7. …people jog around her for exercise!
  8. …she makes big bird look like a rubber duckie!
  9. …she plays pool with the planets.
  10. …it took 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the Internet.
  11. …the telephone company gave her two area codes!
  12. …when she ran out into the road in front of me, I tried to swerve round, but ran out of petrol.
  13. …that after sex I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.
  14. …the Goodyear blimp accidently flew into her mouth!
  15. …when you get on top of her your ears pop!
  16. …she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
  17. …when she wears a yellow raincoat, people shout "Taxi!"
  18. …when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions
  19. …her feet need license plates!
  20. …that she has to use a VCR for a pager.
  21. …she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
  22. …NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
  23. …when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
  24. …she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
  25. …she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagon!
  26. …whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
  27. …she got to iron her pants on the driveway
  28. …when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
  29. …when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
  30. …when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
  31. …"Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
  32. …at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
  33. …after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for a week.
  34. …even her shadow has stretch marks.
  35. …a picture of her fell off the wall!
  36. …Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.
  37. …all the restaurants in town have signs that says: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mamma"
  38. …every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
  39. …her ass has it’s own congressman.
  40. …all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.
  41. …her belt size is the equator.
  42. …her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
  43. …her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
  44. …her driver’s license says "Picture continued on other side."
  45. …her nickname is "Damn."
  46. …her tailor takes her measurements in light years.
  47. …her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
  48. …her college graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
  49. …her skates went flat.
  50. …her blood type is Ragu.
  51. …I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
  52. …if she got her shoes shined, she’d have to take his word for it!
  53. …I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her.
  54. …instead of Levi’s 501 jeans, she wears Levi’s 1002’s.
  55. …I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA, he’d seen her too.
  56. …NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer.
  57. …last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on.
  58. …I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.
  59. …if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
  60. …I gain weight just by watching her eat.
  61. …on a scale of 1 to 10, she’s a 747.
  62. …she bungee jumped and went straight to hell.
  63. …she could sell shade.
  64. …she don’t eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks.
  65. …she can’t stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.
  66. …she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn’t change.
  67. …one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.
  68. …she can’t tie her own shoes.
  69. …she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
  70. …no one can talk behind her back.
  71. …she eats cereal out of a satellite dish.
  72. …she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it’s-coming-towards-us!
  73. …she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
  74. …she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan.
  75. …she don’t wear a G-String, she wears an A, B, C, D, E, F, G-String.
  76. …she has a greater gravitational attraction than a black hole.
  77. …she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
  78. …she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
  79. …she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"
  80. …she has to get out of the car to change gears.
  81. …she wakes up in sections.
  82. …she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.
  83. …she went on a light diet… As soon as it’s light she starts eating.
  84. …she’s got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
  85. …she’s on both sides of the family.
  86. …the body snatchers called home for backup.
  87. …she’s moving the Earth out of its orbit.
  88. …she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
  89. …she wears an asteroid belt.
  90. …she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as a new world.
  91. …she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub.
  92. …she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.
  93. …she masturbates reading cookbooks.
  94. …she needs a road map to find her ass.
  95. …she made weight watchers go blind.
  96. …she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
  97. …she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider.
  98. …she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle, NY.
  99. …she makes Free Willy look like a Tic-Tac.
  100. …she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.
  101. …she sat on a rowing machine and it sank.
  102. …she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks.
  103. …she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Break it up!"
  104. …she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Get the fuck off."
  105. …she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad.
  106. …she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said H d.
  107. …she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number.
  108. …she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out.
  109. …she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Please step out of the car."
  110. …she sat on a dollar and made change.

[top]Yo momma is so stupid…

  1. …at bottom of application where it says Sign Here – she put Sagittarius.
  2. …when I gave her a dollar and asked for a quater back, she gave me Dan Marino.
  3. …I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail.
  4. …I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it.
  5. …I taught her how to do the running man and I haven’t seen the bitch since.
  6. …her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first.
  7. …her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front.
  8. …I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
  9. …her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors.
  10. …that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
  11. …if brains were gas she wouldn’t have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop.
  12. …it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
  13. …on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.
  14. …she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
  15. …if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you’d get change.
  16. …she asked you "What is the number for 911".
  17. …she asked for a price check at the dollar store.
  18. …it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
  19. …if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
  20. …if brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t have enough to blow her nose.
  21. …she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.
  22. …she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
  23. …she died before the police arrived because she couldn’t find the "11" button in "9-1-1"
  24. …she gave your uncle a blowjob ’cause he said it’d help his unemployment.
  25. …she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s.
  26. …she got fired from a blow-job.
  27. …she got a part time job painting skittles.
  28. …she fell up the stairs.
  29. …she couldn’t tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses.
  30. …she can’t make Jello because she can’t fit 2 quarts of water in the box.
  31. …she got hit by a parked car.
  32. …she had Dan Quayle check her spelling.
  33. …she jumped out the window and went up.
  34. …she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
  35. …she ordered her sushi well done.
  36. …she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald’s and said "Hold the cheese."
  37. …she married Yo daddy.
  38. …she invented a solar powered flashlight.
  39. …she got shot running to the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial.
  40. …she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.
  41. …she put a peephole in a glass door.
  42. …she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept.
  43. …she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.
  44. …she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
  45. …she sold the house to pay the mortgage.
  46. …she stands up on an empty bus.
  47. …she sold the car for gas money.
  48. …she said "what’s that letter after x" and I said Y she said "Cause I want to know".
  49. …she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum.
  50. …she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gum ball to come out.
  51. …she studied for a blood test and failed.
  52. …she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of a clean glass.
  53. …she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
  54. …she thinks socialism means partying!
  55. …she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
  56. …she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.
  57. …she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.
  58. …she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo.
  59. …she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg’s holiday album.
  60. …she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.
  61. …she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.
  62. …she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.
  63. …she thought she could get food stamps at the post office.
  64. …she thought meow mix was a record for cats.
  65. …she thought hamburger helper came with another person.
  66. …she thought asphalt was a skin disease.
  67. …she thought menopause was a button on the VCR.
  68. …she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.
  69. …she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center.
  70. …she thought a quarterback was a refund.
  71. …she wouldn’t know up from down if she had three guesses.
  72. …they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.
  73. …when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones.
  74. …the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth.
  75. …she wiped her ass before she took a shit.
  76. …she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin’ "Free Lays!"
  77. …she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed.
  78. …she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.
  79. …she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
  80. …she was locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
  81. …she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
  82. …she thought the Internet was something you catch fish with.
  83. …she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
  84. …she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.
  85. …she tried to drown a fish.
  86. …she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.
  87. …she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff.
  88. …she took lessons for a player piano.
  89. …she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn’t read.
  90. …she thought Thailand was a men’s clothing store.
  91. …she tried to drown herself in a carpool.
  92. …she tried to mail a letter with food stamps.
  93. …she tried to steal a free sample.
  94. …she tried to throw a bird off a cliff.
  95. …she used a vibrator for an egg beater.
  96. …she tripped over a cordless phone.
  97. …she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
  98. …she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.
  99. …she tried to melt squeeze Parkay.
  100. …she tried to insult you and started with "Yo mama’s so…"

[top]Yo momma is so ugly…




  1. …even a blind man wouldn’t have sex with her.
  2. …her dentist treats her by mail-order.
  3. …her pillow cries at night.
  4. …even the elephant man paid to see her.
  5. …her shadow quit.
  6. …her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.
  7. …her face is closed on weekends!
  8. …Greenpeace mistook her for an endangered elephant.
  9. …even the tide won’t come back in.
  10. …even Bill Clinton wouldn’t sleep with her.
  11. …I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application.
  12. …I can fuck her in any position and its still doggy style.
  13. …I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."
  14. …if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picture would be next to it.
  15. …it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym.
  16. …if she were a scarecrow, the corn would run away.
  17. …instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck.
  18. …I took her to the zoo and the monkeys said "Damn, how’d you get out so fast."
  19. …I have to watch your sister undress just to calm down.
  20. …her shadow ran away from her.
  21. …it looks like she’s been bobbing for French fries.
  22. …people go as her for Halloween.
  23. …roaches go "Hi mom!"
  24. …she could be the poster child for birth control!
  25. …she can’t even bare the thought of fucking herself.
  26. …Rice Krispies won’t talk to her.
  27. …she can look up a camel’s butt and scare the hump off of it.
  28. …people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don’t get stolen.
  29. …just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let’s go bury it."
  30. …it makes me wish birth control is retroactive.
  31. …she didn’t get hit with the ugly stick, she got hit with the ugly log.
  32. …she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares.
  33. …she could scare the flies off a shit wagon.
  34. …she has a sign in her yard that says "Beware of Dog."
  35. …she could scare the moss off a rock!
  36. …she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herself in the mirror.
  37. …she could only be Yo mamma.
  38. …she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.
  39. …she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
  40. …she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
  41. …she has to creep up on her makeup.
  42. …she has to trick or treat over the phone.
  43. …she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.
  44. …she looks like you.
  45. …she makes onions cry.
  46. …she entered the ugly contest and the judge said, "Sorry, no professionals."
  47. …she makes blind children cry.
  48. …she looks like she’s been in a dryer filled with rocks.
  49. …she has to get the baby drunk to breast feed it.
  50. …she looked out the window and the police fined her for mooning.
  51. …she practices birth control by leaving the lights on.
  52. …she threw a boomerang and it wouldn’t even come back.
  53. …she was a guard for Castle Greyskull.
  54. …that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be the dream team.
  55. …the doctor is still smacking her ass.
  56. …she’s never seen herself ’cause the mirrors keep breaking.
  57. …she pretends she’s someone else when she’s having sex.
  58. …she’d scare the monster out of Loch Ness.
  59. …she tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog still wouldn’t play with her.
  60. …she scares roaches away.
  61. …yo dad first met her at the pound.
  62. …that if ugly were a crime, she’d get the electric chair.
  63. …that when she was a baby, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot.
  64. …when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
  65. …that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.
  66. …when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
  67. …yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time.
  68. …she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
  69. …yo father takes her to work just so he doesn’t have to kiss her good-bye.
  70. …when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.
  71. …the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
  72. …the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
  73. …they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
  74. …they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
  75. …the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train.
  76. …they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!
  77. …the kids call her Lassie
  78. …they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
  79. …the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case.
  80. …the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it.
  81. …they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.
  82. …when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck.
  83. …when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.
  84. …when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains.
  85. …when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes.
  86. …when she masturbates she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.
  87. …they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty.
  88. …when she gets up, the sun goes down.
  89. …we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation.
  90. …they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
  91. …when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming.
  92. …when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows.
  93. …when she was born the doctor smacked everyone.
  94. …when she went camping, the park ranger was like "Hey Yogi!"
  95. …when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled "rape" and they yelled "NO!"
  96. …when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.
  97. …when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to bury her.
  98. …when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then her face, and said "Twins!"
  99. …when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.
  100. …when she takes her bra off she looks like she has four big toes.

[top]Yo momma is so short…

  1. …she poses for trophies.
  2. …when she sneezes, she hits her head on the floor.
  3. …she can limbo under the door.
  4. …she does pull-ups on a staple.
  5. …she can do push-ups under the door.
  6. …she don’t roll dice, she pushes them.
  7. …when I was dissin’ her she tried to jump kick me in the ankle.
  8. …she can play handball on the curb.
  9. …she has to cuff her underwear.
  10. …I’m nuts over her.
  11. …she uses a condom for a sleeping bag.
  12. …her homies are the Keebler Elfs.
  13. …her best friend is an ant.
  14. …she can hang glide on a Dorito.
  15. …she needs a ladder to pick up a dime.
  16. …she can do backflips under the bed.
  17. …she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.
  18. …she be jumping off curbs talkin’ bout "Weeee!"
  19. …she broke her leg jumping off the toilet.
  20. …she can sit on a dime and eat off a nickel.
  21. …she has to reach up to tie her shoes.
  22. …she’s afraid to get off the carpet alone.
  23. …she’s a teller at a piggy bank.
  24. …she tried to commit suicide with a pin.
  25. …she can take a bath in a thimble.
  26. …you can see her feet on her driver’s license.
  27. …she had to stand on three phonebooks to blow yo dad.
  28. …she doesn’t have legs, she has feet growing out her ass.
  29. …she can surf on a popsicle stick.
  30. …she can suck my dick standing up.

[top]Yo momma is so hairy…

  1. …she looks like Bigfoot in a tank top.
  2. …her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
  3. …she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.
  4. …they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
  5. …when I took her to a pet store they locked her in a cage.
  6. …she has afros on her nipples.
  7. …when she went to Remington and said "Shave this!" the salesman died laughing.
  8. …if she could fly she’d look like a magic carpet.
  9. …when she goes to the circus the bearded lady protests against non-union workers.
  10. …Bigfoot took a picture of her.
  11. …she’s a stunt double for Chewbacca in Star Wars.
  12. …she shaved her ass and she disappeared.
  13. …she spread her legs and said, "We’re going to Bush Gardens."
  14. …if I shaved her legs, I could supply wigs for the entire Hair Club for Men.
  15. …she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
  16. …she has dreadlocks on her back.
  17. …she shaves with a weedwacker.
  18. …her breasts look like coconuts.
  19. …people run up to her and say "Chewie, can I get your autograph?"
  20. …you almost died of rug burn at birth.

[top]Yo momma is so nasty…

  1. …a skunk smelled her ass and passed out.
  2. …her tits give sour milk.
  3. …I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus.
  4. …she bought her boyfriend kneepads for Christmas.
  5. …she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."
  6. …she has a sign by her pussy that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts."
  7. …she bit the dog and gave it rabies.
  8. …she breeds crabs.
  9. …I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
  10. …her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.
  11. …she made Right Guard turn left.
  12. …she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.
  13. …she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
  14. …they call her Norelco… Home of the triple head.
  15. …when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.
  16. …she’s got more clap than an auditorium.
  17. …she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.
  18. …she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.
  19. …she made Speed Stick slow down.
  20. …she has more crabs then Red Lobster.

[top]Yo momma is so skinny…

  1. …she only has one stripe on her pajamas.
  2. …she can dodge rain drops.
  3. …she can see out the peephole with both eyes.
  4. …when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.
  5. …if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.
  6. …if she had a sesame seed on her head, she’d look like a push pin.
  7. …she looks like a mic stand.
  8. …she turned sideways and disappeared.
  9. …her nipples touch.
  10. …I could blind-fold her with dental floss.
  11. …if she had dreads I’d grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
  12. …you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.
  13. …her pants have one belt loop.
  14. …she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
  15. …if she had a yeast infection she’d be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
  16. …I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma.
  17. …she had to stand in the same place twice to cast a shadow.
  18. …when she takes a bath and lets the water out, her toes get caught in the drain.
  19. …she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
  20. …she has to wear skis in the shower.

[top]Yo momma is so old…

  1. …her memory is in black and white.
  2. …she drove a chariot to high school.
  3. …she has a Jesus Starter jacket.
  4. …she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.
  5. …she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
  6. …she used to baby-sit Yoda.
  7. …she DJ’d at the Boston Tea Party.
  8. …she took her drivers test on a dinosaur.
  9. …she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers.
  10. …Jurassic Park brought back memories.

[top]Yo momma is so poor…

  1. …she can’t afford to pay attention!
  2. …when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people’s fingers!
  3. …her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
  4. …she drives a peanut.
  5. …when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
  6. …she went to McDonald’s and put a milkshake on layaway.
  7. …she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
  8. …she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin’?" She said, "Buying luggage."
  9. …your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
  10. …when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"

[top]Yo momma is so smelly

  1. …the only dis I want to give her is a disinfectant.
  2. …she made her Right Guard call for backup.
  3. …a blind man walking by her asked "How much for the shrimp platter?"
  4. …next to her a skunk smells sweet.
  5. …that her shit is glad to escape.
  6. …she was playing in a sand box and a cat came along and buried her.
  7. …when she spreads her legs I get sea sick.
  8. …she made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, and Ban come off strike.
  9. …when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing the oxygen mask.
  10. …even dogs won’t sniff her crotch.

One thought on ““Yo momma is so” jokes, fat, stupid, ugly, short, hairy, nasty, skinny, old, poor, smelly”

  1. [commenti dal vecchio sito]
    [comments from old website]

    Ephestione
    2008-10-26 08:53:28
    that’s easy if you follow the mirc script quit messages.
    Just replace the groucho marx quotes txt file with a txt file where you copy past all the quotes.
    Obviously, you should add at the beginning of each line the correct phrase, like “yo momma is so fat”.
    That is something you can do either manually by copy/pasting, or using an advanced text editor like notepad++ (search on google for that)
    Buford69
    2008-10-26 01:05:57
    Can this be added some way to a mirc script and how???

    TY in advance

    Buford69

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