All posts by ephestione

Guida di base alla rete IRC di DALnet

Questa quida è stata pensata per tutti quelli che, appena installato mIRC, nel mio canale #Finestre&finestre su DALnet, ma anche altrove, mi (e si) chiedono “Come funziona qui??”

Per quanto io cerchi di essere gentile con tutti, diventa fastidioso rispondere SEMPRE alle stesse domande, e, visto che noi italiani siamo ignoranti, e non conosciamo l’inglese, mi è toccato scrivere questa pagina in italiano, al contrario di tutto il resto del sito

Sembro acido? Nooo è solo una vostra impressione…

Scherzi a parte, basta dire scempiaggini e cominciamo.

1) “Che roba è mIRC??

mIRC è solo un programma, nella fattispecie un “client”, e cioè un programma il cui mestiere è quello di collegarsi ad un server; non confondiamo quindi il programma (mIRC, non l’unico, ma il più famoso) con la rete di chat, che si chiama solo “IRC” (che significa Internet Relay Chat, cioè “Chat basata su Internet”, per tradurre in maniera piuttosto libera). La rete IRC che io uso è DALnet, ed è anche la rete “spiegata” in questa pagina, così come penso sia la rete alla quale voi siete collegati in questo momento (anche perché mIRC vi si collega automaticamente). Ogni rete IRC (quindi anche DALnet) è composta da un insieme di server, cioè computer, collegati tra loro, e ai quali sono a loro volta collegate tutte le persone che vi si trovano per chattare; per cui è possibile che io sia collegato al server “x” di DALnet, e voi siate collegati al server “y” di DALnet, e nonostante questo possiamo parlarci senza problemi, perché ogni server di DALnet manda a tutti gli altri le righe di testo che gli passano attraverso.

2) “Vabbé, ma ora che faccio??

Una volta collegati ad IRC (ed in particolare a DALnet) dovrete andare in qualche stanza, più comunemente chiamata “canale”, se volete parlare con qualcuno. Su DALnet ci sono moltissimi canali, circa 18000, ed ognuno può crearne di nuovi, per cui aumentano in continuazione. Voi potete sia vedere quali sono i canali che l’autore di mIRC (Khaled Mardam-Bey) ha deciso di includere nella lista del programma, e che si apre appena voi vi collegate, ma che potete richiamare anche premendo il pulsante “List Channels” (), oppure potete decidere (meglio) di scaricare la lista di TUTTI i canali, premendo il pulsante “List Channels”

Da questa finestra potete entrare in un canale facendo doppio click sul #nomecanale oppure selezionando un canale dalla lista e premendo il tasto “Join”. Se non volete che questa finestra compaia ogni volta che vi collegate, disabilitate la casella sul fondo, “Pop up folder on connect”
Questa è la finestra List Channels, basta premere “Get List!” (qui il pulsante è grigio perché non ero collegato a DALnet, voi lo vedrete accessibile) per scaricare la lista completa dei canali
Questa è la finestra che vedrete mentre prendete la lista. Aspettate che abbia smesso di scaricare la lista (ve ne accorgerete perché i numeri nel titolo della finestra smetteranno di aumentare)
Quando avrete finito di scaricare la lista, potrete premere di nuovo il pulsante “List Channels”, e scrivere una parola chiave nella casella “Match Text”. Io ho scritto “italia”, ma voi potete provare con “amici”, “calcio”, il nome della vostra città, eccetera. Premete “Apply” per vedere i canali che contengono “italia” nel nome o nella descrizione.
Questi sono i primi canali che compaiono cercando “italia”, basta fare doppio click sul nome del #canale per entrare. Il canale #italia è una bolgia infernale, non aspettatevi di potervi intavolare una discussione. Comunque, provateci Come vedete ci sono anche canali non italiani, starà a voi capire quando il risultato è poco pertinente.

Se vi collegate di nuovo a DALnet, e volete rientrare nei canali che già conoscete, basterà scrivere, in qualunque finestra (Status, o anche le altre) /join #nomecanale, ad esempio /join #finestre, oppure, se volete entrare nel canale automaticamente ogni volta che vi collegate, potete aggiungere questo comando alla lista dei comandi che mIRC esegue quando si connette: premete il tasto “Options” e andate nel pannello “Perform”

Per abilitare l’esecuzione automatica dei comandi dovete attivare la casella “On connect, perform these commands” e scrivere nella finestre sottostante il comando che abbiamo visto prima, per esempio “/join #finestre“. Potete inserire più comandi di questo tipo, ad esempio si può aggiungere una riga per ogni canale che vi interessa.

3) Mi sono dimenticato cosa volevo scrivere

4) Ah! Mi sono ricordato!

5) “Perché dopo un po’ il mio nick diventa Guest6274638??

Questo succede perché, se è la prima volta che usate DALnet, e scegliete un nick “troppo facile”, è probabile che qualcuno l’abbia preso prima di voi (su DALnet non possono esserci due nick uguali, come in ICQ o MSN). A quel punto, dopo un pò “NickServ”, che è il server in DALnet che controlla la validità dei nick, ve lo toglierà, e vi darà un nick come “Guest6274648”. Rassegnatevi, dovrete sceglierne un altro, oppure modificare un po’ quello. Ad esempio, se “Antonio” è già preso, provate “Antonio^”, e se è preso anche quello, provate “^Antonio^” eccetera eccetera. Attenzione però, non tutti i caratteri sono accettabili: per esempio i segni di punteggiatura o l’apostrofo; provate con trattini, parentesi, e altri caratteri. Quando avrete scelto il nuovo nick, provate a usare il comando /nick nuovonick, ad esempio “/nick ^Antonio^“, e, se non c’è nessuno che lo sta già usando in quel momento, lo prenderete voi. Potete usare il comando /nick quante volte volete, ma non ripetetelo velocemente, altrimenti verrete messi in attesa come “punizione”

6) “Come mi accorgo se il nick che ho scelto non appartiene a nessuno??

Se scegliete un nick, ed entrate in DALnet per la prima volta, ci sono diverse possibilità: 1) il nick che avete scelto non è utilizzato, né appartenente aa un’altra persona che lo ha registrato, ed allora potrete tenerlo per tutto il tempo in cui siete connessi; 2) c’è già un’altra persona collegata che sta usando quel nick, quindi voi non potrete usarlo; 3) non c’è nessuna persona che sta già usando quel nick, ma qualcuno che non è connesso lo ha già registrato, e allora “NickServ” dopo un po’ ve lo cambierà ad esempio in “Guest482853”. Quando avrete cambiato nick (col comando /nick nuovonick), e NickServ non avrà nulla da ridire, significa che quel nick è “originale”, e potrete usarlo senza problemi.

7) OK, ma come faccio a registrare il mio nick per non farlo usare a nessun’altro??

Per registrare un nick dovrete fare una richiesta a NickServ, con un comando particolare con cui dovrete fornirgli un po’ di dati. Quando state usando il nick che volete registrare (e se siete sicuri che non è registrato a nessun’altro) usate questo comando: /nickserv register vostrapassword vostraemail (ad esempio, se volete usare come password il nome del vostro cane “ermenegildo”, e il vostro indirizzo di posta elettronica è “io.sono@sfigato.it”, dovrete scrivere: /nickserv register ermenegildo io.sono@sfigato.it).
Ed ora un pò di raccomandazioni: l’indirizzo di posta elettronica deve essere vero! NickServ vi manderà un messaggio con un indirizzo web che dovrete visitare per attivare definitivamente la registrazione. Se non lo fate, dopo 24 ore il nick perderà la registrazione. Dopo averlo definitivamente registrato, dovrete usarlo almeno una volta al mese, altrimenti la registrazione verrà comunque persa. Altra precauzione: quando scrivete il comando per la registrazione, anche se potete farlo in qualunque finestra, vi conviene usare la finestra Status, perché se vi sbagliate, e ad esempio dimenticate di scrivere “/” all’inizio, se siete in un canale tutte le altre persone vedranno la vostra password!

8) Passare al punto 10

9) “Ho già registrato il nick, ma divento sempre Guest36524!!! Perché????

NickServ purtroppo non è telepatico, per cui ogni volta che vi collegate a DALnet con un nick che avete registrato, se non volete che NickServ ve lo tolga, dovrete dimostrargli che è vostro, dicendogli la password con cui l’avete registrato. Per fare questo dovete usare il comando: /nickserv identify vostronick vostrapassword (ad esempio, se il vostro nick è “^gigilatrottola^” e la vostra password è il nome del vostro cane, “ermenegildo”, dovrete scrivere: /nickserv identify ^gigilatrottola^ ermenegildo). Anche in questo caso, se lo scrivete a mano, vi conviene usare la finestra Status. Altrimenti, potete aggiungere anche questo alla lista “Perform”… ve la ricordate vero?????

Questa è come apparirà la finestra “Perform” dopo aver aggiunto il secondo comando per identificarsi con NickServ appena vi collegate a DALnet. Non dimenticate che, quando avrete imparato un po’ di comandi, potrete aggiungere qui tutti quelli che volete vengano eseguiti appena vi collegate!!!

A questo punto potete senz’altro passare al punto 11

10) Questo punto è vuoto. Voltarsi, fare una capriola mortale, e lanciare di nuovo i dadi. Dopo di ciò, tornare indietro al punto 9

11) Ora mi sono veramente stufato. Se volete che aggiunga qualcosa, scrivetemelo in e-mail, oppure venite a chiederlo nel mio canale #finestre (basta che non arriviate la sera tardi, perché mi piace dormire 8 ore al giorno)

Script di autoaway per mIRC

Questo è uno script piccolissimo ma funzionale, che va d’accordissimo con la funzionalità di "segreteria" del mio script antispam. Succede spesso che si lasci il PC acceso a scaricare, e potendo controllare in mIRC quanto tempo è passato dall’ultima volta che avete inviato una riga di testo si ricava il tempo durante il quale si è stati "away". Se questo supera una certa soglia, si può impostare l’away ocn il comando /away.

Potete usare questo addon per caricare lo script in mIRC, scomprimete lo ZIP e leggete le istruzioni (in inglese) presenti nel TXT. Per avere maggiori dettagli sullo script potete continuare a leggere.

Questo è quello che va aggiunto agli alias:

/CheckAway {
  //if (($idle > 300) && ($away == $false)) //away 8,2 I am away after 5 idle minutes
  //if (($idle < 300) && ($away == $true)) /away
}
       

Potete cambiare il tempo prestabilito come volete, io l’ho impostato a 5 minuti (300 secondi), e per cambiare il messaggio di away sbizzarritevi come volete."8,2" serve a cambiare il colore del messaggio, se non vi piace modificatelo o toglietelo.

Questo è quello che dovete aggiungere al pannello Remote:

on *:CONNECT:/timerChkAway 0 10 /CheckAway
       

Autoaway script for mIRC

The away flag is a very useful one, lets you be “justified” if you don’t answer someone’s query, or even lurk in incognito, so the pesters you don’t want to chat with, think you are not at the computer. In the first case, it often happens that you simply leave the PC connected, being AFK, but forget to activate the away. A simple script can check for how long you’ve been “idle” with mIRC (the idle time in mIRC represents the time from the last stroke on the Enter key, no matter if it’s been used to send a line to a channel or a chat window, or just to identify to NickServ, or something else).

You need to set both an alias and a script (this will work fine enough if you just installed a clean mIRC, or anyway if you’re not using other scripts).

You can use this addon to load the script without adding the lines yourself. All the instructions are in the TXT file, follow them. I suggest you to continue reading anyway, so you can have more details about the script.

Here’s what you need to add in the Aliases Panel (accessible pressing the button):

/CheckAway {
  //if (($idle > 300) && ($away == $false)) //away 8,2 I am away after 5 idle minutes
  //if (($idle < 300) && ($away == $true)) /away
}

Customize this alias by changing the idle time with the one you prefer (I setted it to turn on the away flag after 5 minutes – 300 seconds; just put your preferred idle time, in seconds, instead of the two “300” you find there), and putting a message you like instead of “I am away after 5 idle minutes” (the “8,2” is used to set the colour of the message. If you don’t know how to use colour codes in mIRC, leave it as it is, or remove it if you don’t like the colours I use .

Here’s instead what you need to add in the Remote Panel (accessible pressing the button):

on *:CONNECT:/timerChkAway 0 10 /CheckAway

If you followed the instructions in the other pages of this section, and already added an on CONNECT line, add the “/timerChkAway 0 10 /CheckAway” line as well to the routine. If you instead want to add the other scripts in these pages, then do the same, by using something like:

on *: CONNECT:{
  line1
  line2
  line3
  ...
  ...
}

and putting the proper commands where you find “line1” “line2” and so on.

Now, using this script togheter with the AutoAnswerer script you can find in this section, you will have a complete set of away scripts.

Script di mIRC per Auto Identify e Auto Op su DALnet

Se siete in DALnet da diverso tempo avrete imparato ad usare il comando /nickserv identify password oppure /msg nickserv@services.dal.net identify password per poter usare il vostro nick registrato. Però primo, è una cosa noiosa da fare ogni volta, e secondo, anche se avete un piccolo script che lo fa appena vi connettete non sempre vi andrà bene, perché sia NickServ che ChanServ a volte si disconnettono, si resettano, si drogano, e chi più ne ha più ne metta. Insomma, poteste ritrovarvi come Guest quando meno ve lo aspettate.

Vi spiegherò qui come risolvere queste vicissitudini con uno script che non sarà perfetto, ma che tuttora mi va a genio.

Potete usare questo addon per caricare lo script in mIRC invece di scrivere il codice a mano nella finestra Remote. Scaricato lo ZIP, leggete il TXT per le istruzioni (in inglese, quelle non mi andava di tradurle). Se volete essere in grado anche di modificarlo voi stessi, oppure siete curiosi di sapere come funziona, continuate a leggere.

(Nota) Lo script è stato recentemente aggiornato per correggere una debolezza che in alcuni casi comportava il flood dei servizi, richiedendo continuamente l’identificazione e l’op fino a generare un avviso di NickServ e ChanServ. Una volta sono persino stato buttato fuori da un IRCop. Non ci sono commenti alle suddette modifiche nei successivi paragrafi, ma quello che fanno è sostituire la richesta diretta di identify e op con una procedura intermedia. Questa controlla dei flag (una variabile per ogni nick e ogni canale), e se non sono impostati richiede l’op o l’identify, impostandole per 60 secondi, nei quali non saranno possibili ulteriori richieste.

I messaggi che vi manda NickServ quando vi connettete, "This nick is owned by someone else…" "If this is your nick…" "Password accepted for…" si chiamano notices. Lo script aspetta che ne arrivi una, e se viene da NickServ allora controllerà se vuole la password, se la password è stata accettata, o ancora se ha cambiato il vostro nick perché non gli è arrivata la password nel tempo prestabilito (e succede).

on *:CONNECT:{
  /dcc packetsize = 4096
  /pdcc 2147483647
  /fsend on
  /joinall
}


on 1:START:/timerIdent 0 40 /ident

on *:NOTICE:*:*:{
  if (($pos($strip($1-),Password accepted for,1) != $null) && ($nick == NickServ)) {
    //if $pos($strip($1-),YourMainNick,1) != $null) {
      /timer 1 20 /autoop 
      /nick YourMainNick
    }
    goto bother
  }
  if (($pos($strip($1-),This nick is owned by someone else. Please choose another.,1) != $null) && ($nick == NickServ)) /id
  if (($pos($strip($1-),Your nick has been changed to Guest,1) != $null) && ($nick == NickServ)) {
    /id
    /nick YourNick^_^
  }
  if ((($pos($strip($1-),You do not have access to op people on #YourChannel.,1) != $null) || ($pos($strip($1-),#YourChannel is operated by ChanServ,1) != $null)) && ($nick == ChanServ) && ($me !isop #YourChannel)) /id
  :bother
}

dove/joinall /autoop /ident e /id sono alias definiti come:

/joinall {
  /join #channelone
  /join #channeltwo
  /join #channelthree
  ...
}


/autoop {
  /timer 1 0 //chanserv op #ChannelOne $me
  /timer 1 5 //chanserv op #ChannelTwo $me
  /timer 1 10 //chanserv op #ChannelThree $me
  ...
}


/ident {
  //if (($me == YourNick^_^) || ($me == YourAltNick) || (Guest isin $me)) /nick YourNick

}


/id {
  //if ($me != YourNick) /timer 1 0 /nickserv ghost YourNick yourpassword
  /timer 1 5 /nickserv identify YourNick password
  /timer 1 10 /nickserv identify NickTwo password
  ...
}

Ovviamente dovrete cambiare YourNick, YourChannel, yourpassword con i dati reali. "YourMainNick", se ne avete registrati più di uno, è quello che usate di preferenza e con il quale siete operatori nei canali di vostra appartenenza. Se avetesolo un nick, metteteci quello. "YourNick^_^" è il vostro nick con aggiunto "^_^" (e che si suppone non sia registrato), e funzione come backup se il vostro nick viene cambiato in Guest; "YourAltNick" è il nick che avete scritto nel campo "Alternative" di mIRC [File > Options > Connect].

Dove leggete "You do not have access to op people on #YourChannel" e "#YourChannel is operated by ChanServ" dovrete inserire il nome del canale nel quale entrate per ultimo e contemporaneamente nel quale siete operatori.

I comandi aggiuntivi dopo on CONNECT accelerano un pò i DCC, vi consiglio di lasciarceli.

Ed ora spieghiamo come funziona. Aspetta che nickserv gli chieda di identificarsi, e quindi invia la password; quando siete identificati nickerv manda la conferma così lo script sa che può cominciare a chiedere a chanserv di farvi operatori nei canali neiquali siete entrati. Ogni volta che nickserv o chanserv si resettano e vi richiedono la password, lo script la reinvia e provvede a cambiarvi nick se il vostro solito viene modificato a Guest.

DALnet Auto Identify and Auto Op mIRC script

You may think all it’s needed to shut up NickServ when you login on DALnet is putting a /nickserv identify password or /msg nickserv@services.dal.net identify command in the [File > Options > Perform] panel of mIRC… well… actually, it would. As in a perfect world there would be no wars nor poverty nor starvation, but NickServ isn’t perfect (ChanServ isn’t as well, that’s why we are going to speak about him as well, later), so you need to prevent all those situations which may determine NickServ to forget you identified some time bfore, and kicking you to a shameful status of Guest*****.

We’ll explain here how to get rid of these unpleasant situations with a script, not too long, not too short, not perfetc as well, but there is room for betterings.

You can use this addon to load the script instead of writing the lines yourself. Faster, easier, no conflicts with other scripts. Instructions are included in the TXT file, follow them. If you want to edit the script yourself, or just know how it works, continue reading (suggested).

(Note) The script has been lately updated to be more reliable in avoiding the flood of services. In some cases it c0uld, especially if you registered 4 nicks or more, lead to many repeated identification requests, up to making the services upset. Once I even got banned by an IRCop, so I finally decided to put my hands on the old code.
The comments to these upgrades aren’t in the paragraphs below, but what they do is adding another procedure to request both the identification and the ops instead of doing it directly. This procedure checks on a flag (one variable allocated for each nick and each channel), and if the flag is unsetted it requests either the identification or the ops, then sets the flag, which avoid successive repeated requests to be accepted. The flag is unsetted after 60 seconds, making it possible to request identification or ops again.

The messages you see NickServ sends you when you join, telling you "This nick is owned by someone else…" "If this is your nick…" "Password accepted for…" are called "notices". You’ll set a listener for notices coming from NickServ and containing specified patterns of text, so to act depending on what NickServ wants from you.

Enuf talking, let’s come to action:

on *:CONNECT:{
  /dcc packetsize = 4096
  /pdcc 2147483647
  /fsend on
  /joinall
}


on 1:START:/timerIdent 0 40 /ident

on *:NOTICE:*:*:{
  if (($pos($strip($1-),Password accepted for,1) != $null) && ($nick == NickServ)) {
    //if $pos($strip($1-),YourMainNick,1) != $null) {
      /timer 1 20 /autoop 
      /nick YourMainNick
    }
    goto bother
  }
  if (($pos($strip($1-),This nick is owned by someone else. Please choose another.,1) != $null) && ($nick == NickServ)) /id
  if (($pos($strip($1-),Your nick has been changed to Guest,1) != $null) && ($nick == NickServ)) {
    /id
    /nick YourNick^_^
  }
  if ((($pos($strip($1-),You do not have access to op people on #YourChannel.,1) != $null) || ($pos($strip($1-),#YourChannel is operated by ChanServ,1) != $null)) && ($nick == ChanServ) && ($me !isop #YourChannel)) /id
  :bother
}

where /joinall /autoop /ident
and /id are aliases defined as:

/joinall {
  /join #channelone
  /join #channeltwo
  /join #channelthree
  ...
}

/autoop {
  /timer 1 0 //chanserv op #ChannelOne $me
  /timer 1 5 //chanserv op #ChannelTwo $me
  /timer 1 10 //chanserv op #ChannelThree $me
  ...
}


/ident {
  //if (($me == YourNick^_^) || ($me == YourAltNick) || (Guest isin $me)) /nick YourNick

}

/id {
  //if ($me != YourNick) /timer 1 0 /nickserv ghost YourNick yourpassword
  /timer 1 5 /nickserv identify YourNick password
  /timer 1 10 /nickserv identify NickTwo password
  ...
}

Those lines must be added to the Remote and Aliases panels in mIRC (the on CONNECT, on START and on NOTICE must go in the Remote Panel, the /joinall /autoop /ident and /id must go in the Aliases Panel), accessible pressing the buttons and . Check those panels for other occurences of the routines. If you find there’s already an on CONNECT and/or on START and/or on NOTICE in the Remote Panel, you may have installed a script like Polaris, i², Siralop, Invision, or another script (in this case, if you don’t know what that part of the script does, better not to mess, simply stop reading this page and wait to be more acquanted with scripting), so you need to modify/extend the routines adding the lines; if you instead did those scripts yourself, you should know how to modify them properly. In the same way, if there are already aliases named joinall autoop and id in the Aliases Panel, follow the same directives (don’t touch anything if you don’t know what it is, or modify the aliases as you need).

 

Obviously you need to change YourNick, YourChannel, yourpassword with the real ones. "YourMainNick", if you own more than one nick, is the nick, you are operator with, in your channels; if you own only one nick, simply put that one. "YourNick^_^" is your actual nick with a "^_^" after it (supposing it is not registered), so to make you have a real nick while you wait for nickserv to confirm your identification; "YourAltNick" is the nick you wrote as "Alternative" in the mIRC [File > Options > Connect] panel.

The "…" must not be included, but you can add or remove other similar lines in case you are op in more channels or own more nicks. The delayed commands (/timer 1 …) are needed to avoid to flood services which may ignore you if you issue too many requests all togheter (just keep adding the right amount of seconds for each line you add).

In the main script, where you see the lines "You do not have access to op people on #YourChannel." and "#YourChannel is operated by ChanServ" you should write the name of the channel, you are op in, that you join last.

The additional commands on the on CONNECT script should accelerate DCC sends, I suggest you to leave them there.

 

You didn’t get the hidden meaning? Ok, let’s explain what this script does. It waits for NickServ to ask you to identify, then sends the identify command(s); when you are identified, it asks chanserv to op you in the channels you are operator in, and repeats asking this until chanserv does op you. Whenever nickserv or chanserv forget you are identified and operator, it re-issues the identify and op commands, and in the dreaded case nickserv is badly lagged, and you get renamed to Guest, it gives you another temporary nick, until the identification is done. In the case you get disconnected by peer, and you reconnect while you ghost is still "online", it waits for nickserv to confirm the identification, and if your current nick is different from your usual one (that is, the ghost is already using it, and you are named after your alternative nick), it issues a kill ghost command.

“Yo momma is so” jokes, fat, stupid, ugly, short, hairy, nasty, skinny, old, poor, smelly

[top]Yo momma is so fat…

  1. …the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
  2. …when she weighs herself the scale says "To be continued…"
  3. …when she sits on a dollar, blood rushes out George Washington’s nose!
  4. …she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth!
  5. …her belly-button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.
  6. …when she walks in front of the T.V. you miss out on 3 commercials!
  7. …people jog around her for exercise!
  8. …she makes big bird look like a rubber duckie!
  9. …she plays pool with the planets.
  10. …it took 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the Internet.
  11. …the telephone company gave her two area codes!
  12. …when she ran out into the road in front of me, I tried to swerve round, but ran out of petrol.
  13. …that after sex I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.
  14. …the Goodyear blimp accidently flew into her mouth!
  15. …when you get on top of her your ears pop!
  16. …she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
  17. …when she wears a yellow raincoat, people shout "Taxi!"
  18. …when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions
  19. …her feet need license plates!
  20. …that she has to use a VCR for a pager.
  21. …she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
  22. …NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
  23. …when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
  24. …she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
  25. …she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagon!
  26. …whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
  27. …she got to iron her pants on the driveway
  28. …when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
  29. …when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
  30. …when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
  31. …"Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
  32. …at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
  33. …after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for a week.
  34. …even her shadow has stretch marks.
  35. …a picture of her fell off the wall!
  36. …Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.
  37. …all the restaurants in town have signs that says: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mamma"
  38. …every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
  39. …her ass has it’s own congressman.
  40. …all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.
  41. …her belt size is the equator.
  42. …her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
  43. …her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
  44. …her driver’s license says "Picture continued on other side."
  45. …her nickname is "Damn."
  46. …her tailor takes her measurements in light years.
  47. …her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
  48. …her college graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
  49. …her skates went flat.
  50. …her blood type is Ragu.
  51. …I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
  52. …if she got her shoes shined, she’d have to take his word for it!
  53. …I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her.
  54. …instead of Levi’s 501 jeans, she wears Levi’s 1002’s.
  55. …I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA, he’d seen her too.
  56. …NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer.
  57. …last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on.
  58. …I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.
  59. …if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
  60. …I gain weight just by watching her eat.
  61. …on a scale of 1 to 10, she’s a 747.
  62. …she bungee jumped and went straight to hell.
  63. …she could sell shade.
  64. …she don’t eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks.
  65. …she can’t stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.
  66. …she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn’t change.
  67. …one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.
  68. …she can’t tie her own shoes.
  69. …she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
  70. …no one can talk behind her back.
  71. …she eats cereal out of a satellite dish.
  72. …she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it’s-coming-towards-us!
  73. …she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
  74. …she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan.
  75. …she don’t wear a G-String, she wears an A, B, C, D, E, F, G-String.
  76. …she has a greater gravitational attraction than a black hole.
  77. …she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
  78. …she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
  79. …she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"
  80. …she has to get out of the car to change gears.
  81. …she wakes up in sections.
  82. …she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.
  83. …she went on a light diet… As soon as it’s light she starts eating.
  84. …she’s got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
  85. …she’s on both sides of the family.
  86. …the body snatchers called home for backup.
  87. …she’s moving the Earth out of its orbit.
  88. …she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
  89. …she wears an asteroid belt.
  90. …she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as a new world.
  91. …she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub.
  92. …she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.
  93. …she masturbates reading cookbooks.
  94. …she needs a road map to find her ass.
  95. …she made weight watchers go blind.
  96. …she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
  97. …she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider.
  98. …she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle, NY.
  99. …she makes Free Willy look like a Tic-Tac.
  100. …she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.
  101. …she sat on a rowing machine and it sank.
  102. …she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks.
  103. …she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Break it up!"
  104. …she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Get the fuck off."
  105. …she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad.
  106. …she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said H d.
  107. …she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number.
  108. …she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out.
  109. …she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Please step out of the car."
  110. …she sat on a dollar and made change.

[top]Yo momma is so stupid…

  1. …at bottom of application where it says Sign Here – she put Sagittarius.
  2. …when I gave her a dollar and asked for a quater back, she gave me Dan Marino.
  3. …I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail.
  4. …I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it.
  5. …I taught her how to do the running man and I haven’t seen the bitch since.
  6. …her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first.
  7. …her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front.
  8. …I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
  9. …her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors.
  10. …that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
  11. …if brains were gas she wouldn’t have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop.
  12. …it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
  13. …on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.
  14. …she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
  15. …if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you’d get change.
  16. …she asked you "What is the number for 911".
  17. …she asked for a price check at the dollar store.
  18. …it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
  19. …if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
  20. …if brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t have enough to blow her nose.
  21. …she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.
  22. …she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
  23. …she died before the police arrived because she couldn’t find the "11" button in "9-1-1"
  24. …she gave your uncle a blowjob ’cause he said it’d help his unemployment.
  25. …she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s.
  26. …she got fired from a blow-job.
  27. …she got a part time job painting skittles.
  28. …she fell up the stairs.
  29. …she couldn’t tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses.
  30. …she can’t make Jello because she can’t fit 2 quarts of water in the box.
  31. …she got hit by a parked car.
  32. …she had Dan Quayle check her spelling.
  33. …she jumped out the window and went up.
  34. …she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
  35. …she ordered her sushi well done.
  36. …she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald’s and said "Hold the cheese."
  37. …she married Yo daddy.
  38. …she invented a solar powered flashlight.
  39. …she got shot running to the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial.
  40. …she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.
  41. …she put a peephole in a glass door.
  42. …she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept.
  43. …she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.
  44. …she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
  45. …she sold the house to pay the mortgage.
  46. …she stands up on an empty bus.
  47. …she sold the car for gas money.
  48. …she said "what’s that letter after x" and I said Y she said "Cause I want to know".
  49. …she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum.
  50. …she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gum ball to come out.
  51. …she studied for a blood test and failed.
  52. …she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of a clean glass.
  53. …she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
  54. …she thinks socialism means partying!
  55. …she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
  56. …she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.
  57. …she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.
  58. …she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo.
  59. …she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg’s holiday album.
  60. …she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.
  61. …she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.
  62. …she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.
  63. …she thought she could get food stamps at the post office.
  64. …she thought meow mix was a record for cats.
  65. …she thought hamburger helper came with another person.
  66. …she thought asphalt was a skin disease.
  67. …she thought menopause was a button on the VCR.
  68. …she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.
  69. …she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center.
  70. …she thought a quarterback was a refund.
  71. …she wouldn’t know up from down if she had three guesses.
  72. …they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.
  73. …when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones.
  74. …the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth.
  75. …she wiped her ass before she took a shit.
  76. …she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin’ "Free Lays!"
  77. …she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed.
  78. …she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.
  79. …she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
  80. …she was locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
  81. …she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
  82. …she thought the Internet was something you catch fish with.
  83. …she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
  84. …she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.
  85. …she tried to drown a fish.
  86. …she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.
  87. …she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff.
  88. …she took lessons for a player piano.
  89. …she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn’t read.
  90. …she thought Thailand was a men’s clothing store.
  91. …she tried to drown herself in a carpool.
  92. …she tried to mail a letter with food stamps.
  93. …she tried to steal a free sample.
  94. …she tried to throw a bird off a cliff.
  95. …she used a vibrator for an egg beater.
  96. …she tripped over a cordless phone.
  97. …she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
  98. …she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.
  99. …she tried to melt squeeze Parkay.
  100. …she tried to insult you and started with "Yo mama’s so…"

[top]Yo momma is so ugly…

  1. …even a blind man wouldn’t have sex with her.
  2. …her dentist treats her by mail-order.
  3. …her pillow cries at night.
  4. …even the elephant man paid to see her.
  5. …her shadow quit.
  6. …her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.
  7. …her face is closed on weekends!
  8. …Greenpeace mistook her for an endangered elephant.
  9. …even the tide won’t come back in.
  10. …even Bill Clinton wouldn’t sleep with her.
  11. …I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application.
  12. …I can fuck her in any position and its still doggy style.
  13. …I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."
  14. …if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picture would be next to it.
  15. …it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym.
  16. …if she were a scarecrow, the corn would run away.
  17. …instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck.
  18. …I took her to the zoo and the monkeys said "Damn, how’d you get out so fast."
  19. …I have to watch your sister undress just to calm down.
  20. …her shadow ran away from her.
  21. …it looks like she’s been bobbing for French fries.
  22. …people go as her for Halloween.
  23. …roaches go "Hi mom!"
  24. …she could be the poster child for birth control!
  25. …she can’t even bare the thought of fucking herself.
  26. …Rice Krispies won’t talk to her.
  27. …she can look up a camel’s butt and scare the hump off of it.
  28. …people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don’t get stolen.
  29. …just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let’s go bury it."
  30. …it makes me wish birth control is retroactive.
  31. …she didn’t get hit with the ugly stick, she got hit with the ugly log.
  32. …she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares.
  33. …she could scare the flies off a shit wagon.
  34. …she has a sign in her yard that says "Beware of Dog."
  35. …she could scare the moss off a rock!
  36. …she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herself in the mirror.
  37. …she could only be Yo mamma.
  38. …she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.
  39. …she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
  40. …she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
  41. …she has to creep up on her makeup.
  42. …she has to trick or treat over the phone.
  43. …she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.
  44. …she looks like you.
  45. …she makes onions cry.
  46. …she entered the ugly contest and the judge said, "Sorry, no professionals."
  47. …she makes blind children cry.
  48. …she looks like she’s been in a dryer filled with rocks.
  49. …she has to get the baby drunk to breast feed it.
  50. …she looked out the window and the police fined her for mooning.
  51. …she practices birth control by leaving the lights on.
  52. …she threw a boomerang and it wouldn’t even come back.
  53. …she was a guard for Castle Greyskull.
  54. …that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be the dream team.
  55. …the doctor is still smacking her ass.
  56. …she’s never seen herself ’cause the mirrors keep breaking.
  57. …she pretends she’s someone else when she’s having sex.
  58. …she’d scare the monster out of Loch Ness.
  59. …she tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog still wouldn’t play with her.
  60. …she scares roaches away.
  61. …yo dad first met her at the pound.
  62. …that if ugly were a crime, she’d get the electric chair.
  63. …that when she was a baby, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot.
  64. …when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
  65. …that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.
  66. …when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
  67. …yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time.
  68. …she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
  69. …yo father takes her to work just so he doesn’t have to kiss her good-bye.
  70. …when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.
  71. …the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
  72. …the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
  73. …they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
  74. …they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
  75. …the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train.
  76. …they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!
  77. …the kids call her Lassie
  78. …they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
  79. …the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case.
  80. …the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it.
  81. …they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.
  82. …when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck.
  83. …when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.
  84. …when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains.
  85. …when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes.
  86. …when she masturbates she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.
  87. …they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty.
  88. …when she gets up, the sun goes down.
  89. …we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation.
  90. …they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
  91. …when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming.
  92. …when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows.
  93. …when she was born the doctor smacked everyone.
  94. …when she went camping, the park ranger was like "Hey Yogi!"
  95. …when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled "rape" and they yelled "NO!"
  96. …when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.
  97. …when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to bury her.
  98. …when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then her face, and said "Twins!"
  99. …when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.
  100. …when she takes her bra off she looks like she has four big toes.

[top]Yo momma is so short…

  1. …she poses for trophies.
  2. …when she sneezes, she hits her head on the floor.
  3. …she can limbo under the door.
  4. …she does pull-ups on a staple.
  5. …she can do push-ups under the door.
  6. …she don’t roll dice, she pushes them.
  7. …when I was dissin’ her she tried to jump kick me in the ankle.
  8. …she can play handball on the curb.
  9. …she has to cuff her underwear.
  10. …I’m nuts over her.
  11. …she uses a condom for a sleeping bag.
  12. …her homies are the Keebler Elfs.
  13. …her best friend is an ant.
  14. …she can hang glide on a Dorito.
  15. …she needs a ladder to pick up a dime.
  16. …she can do backflips under the bed.
  17. …she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.
  18. …she be jumping off curbs talkin’ bout "Weeee!"
  19. …she broke her leg jumping off the toilet.
  20. …she can sit on a dime and eat off a nickel.
  21. …she has to reach up to tie her shoes.
  22. …she’s afraid to get off the carpet alone.
  23. …she’s a teller at a piggy bank.
  24. …she tried to commit suicide with a pin.
  25. …she can take a bath in a thimble.
  26. …you can see her feet on her driver’s license.
  27. …she had to stand on three phonebooks to blow yo dad.
  28. …she doesn’t have legs, she has feet growing out her ass.
  29. …she can surf on a popsicle stick.
  30. …she can suck my dick standing up.

[top]Yo momma is so hairy…

  1. …she looks like Bigfoot in a tank top.
  2. …her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
  3. …she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.
  4. …they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
  5. …when I took her to a pet store they locked her in a cage.
  6. …she has afros on her nipples.
  7. …when she went to Remington and said "Shave this!" the salesman died laughing.
  8. …if she could fly she’d look like a magic carpet.
  9. …when she goes to the circus the bearded lady protests against non-union workers.
  10. …Bigfoot took a picture of her.
  11. …she’s a stunt double for Chewbacca in Star Wars.
  12. …she shaved her ass and she disappeared.
  13. …she spread her legs and said, "We’re going to Bush Gardens."
  14. …if I shaved her legs, I could supply wigs for the entire Hair Club for Men.
  15. …she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
  16. …she has dreadlocks on her back.
  17. …she shaves with a weedwacker.
  18. …her breasts look like coconuts.
  19. …people run up to her and say "Chewie, can I get your autograph?"
  20. …you almost died of rug burn at birth.

[top]Yo momma is so nasty…

  1. …a skunk smelled her ass and passed out.
  2. …her tits give sour milk.
  3. …I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus.
  4. …she bought her boyfriend kneepads for Christmas.
  5. …she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."
  6. …she has a sign by her pussy that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts."
  7. …she bit the dog and gave it rabies.
  8. …she breeds crabs.
  9. …I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
  10. …her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.
  11. …she made Right Guard turn left.
  12. …she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.
  13. …she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
  14. …they call her Norelco… Home of the triple head.
  15. …when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.
  16. …she’s got more clap than an auditorium.
  17. …she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.
  18. …she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.
  19. …she made Speed Stick slow down.
  20. …she has more crabs then Red Lobster.

[top]Yo momma is so skinny…

  1. …she only has one stripe on her pajamas.
  2. …she can dodge rain drops.
  3. …she can see out the peephole with both eyes.
  4. …when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.
  5. …if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.
  6. …if she had a sesame seed on her head, she’d look like a push pin.
  7. …she looks like a mic stand.
  8. …she turned sideways and disappeared.
  9. …her nipples touch.
  10. …I could blind-fold her with dental floss.
  11. …if she had dreads I’d grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
  12. …you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.
  13. …her pants have one belt loop.
  14. …she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
  15. …if she had a yeast infection she’d be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
  16. …I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma.
  17. …she had to stand in the same place twice to cast a shadow.
  18. …when she takes a bath and lets the water out, her toes get caught in the drain.
  19. …she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
  20. …she has to wear skis in the shower.

[top]Yo momma is so old…

  1. …her memory is in black and white.
  2. …she drove a chariot to high school.
  3. …she has a Jesus Starter jacket.
  4. …she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.
  5. …she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
  6. …she used to baby-sit Yoda.
  7. …she DJ’d at the Boston Tea Party.
  8. …she took her drivers test on a dinosaur.
  9. …she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers.
  10. …Jurassic Park brought back memories.

[top]Yo momma is so poor…

  1. …she can’t afford to pay attention!
  2. …when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people’s fingers!
  3. …her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
  4. …she drives a peanut.
  5. …when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
  6. …she went to McDonald’s and put a milkshake on layaway.
  7. …she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
  8. …she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin’?" She said, "Buying luggage."
  9. …your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
  10. …when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"

[top]Yo momma is so smelly

  1. …the only dis I want to give her is a disinfectant.
  2. …she made her Right Guard call for backup.
  3. …a blind man walking by her asked "How much for the shrimp platter?"
  4. …next to her a skunk smells sweet.
  5. …that her shit is glad to escape.
  6. …she was playing in a sand box and a cat came along and buried her.
  7. …when she spreads her legs I get sea sick.
  8. …she made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, and Ban come off strike.
  9. …when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing the oxygen mask.
  10. …even dogs won’t sniff her crotch.

Quotes by Groucho Marx

  1. I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.
  2. Marriage is a wonderful institution…if, of course, you like living in an institution.
  3. I know, I know, you’re a woman who’s been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.
  4. Althought it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
  5. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
  6. It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
  7. Blood’s not thicker than money. I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
  8. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
  9. She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.
  10. You’ve forgotten those June nights at the Riviera… the night I drank champagne from your slipper–two quarts. It would had been more but you were wearing inner soles.
  11. I drink to make other eople interesting.
  12. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  13. Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
  14. Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can fell the breeze from here!
  15. There is only one way to find if a man is honest…ask him. If he says ‘yes’, you know he is crooked.
  16. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
  17. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  18. There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!
  19. You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.
  20. Room service? Send up a larger room.
  21. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
  22. I’ve had a perfect wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
  23. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  24. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
  25. My mother loved children—she would have given anything if I had been one.
  26. I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.
  27. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
  28. I’m going to Iowa for an award. Then I’m appearing at Carnegie Hall, it’s sold out. Then I’m sailing to France to be honoured by the French government. I’d give it all up for one erection.
  29. From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
  30. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
  31. Ice water? Get some onions – that’ll make your eyes water!
  32. Go, and never darken my towels again.
  33. Time flies like an arrow. Time wounds all heels. So just what ARE time flies, and why do they fly like an ARROW?
  34. Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
  35. "Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don’t want any!"
  36. Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin’ eyes?
  37. Behind every succesful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  38. A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
  39. Remember man, you’re fighting for the lady’s honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
  40. Oh are you from Wales?? Do you know a fella named Jonah?? He used to live in whales for a while.
  41. Look, if you don’t like like my parties, you can live in an huff. If it’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.
  42. Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
  43. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed… But we’re going back next week.
  44. I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.
  45. I was married by a judge. should have asked for a jury.
  46. If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
  47. I’ll never forget my wedding day… they threw vitamin pills.
  48. I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
  49. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
  50. Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
  51. In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
  52. I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.
  53. I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago… I shot my broker.
  54. As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
  55. "Do you believe in computer dating?" Groucho:"Only if the computers really love each other"
  56. Groucho:"How did you met your wife?" "A friend of mine" Groucho: "Do you still regard him as a friend?"
  57. "She kicked me under the table" Groucho:"Really?? And did you remain there?"
  58. "Oh, it’s right on the edge of my tongue" Groucho:"Well, stick your tongue out"
  59. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
  60. She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
  61. I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.
  62. I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
  63. I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
  64. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  65. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
  66. Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
  67. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
  68. Women should be obscene and not heard.
  69. I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
  70. My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
  71. You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
  72. You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
  73. It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
  74. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
  75. Groucho:"So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?" "Yes, thirteen." Groucho:"Thirteen! Good lord, isn’t that a burden?" "Well, I love my husband." Groucho:"Lady, I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."
  76. I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.
  77. Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
  78. Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
  79. Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
  80. I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
  81. Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
  82. I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
  83. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
  84. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
  85. Groucho:"How much am I paying you folks?" "Five thousand a year. But we’ve never been paid!" Groucho:"Well in that case I’ll raise it to eight thousand."
  86. Why don’t you bore a hole into your head and let the sap run out?
  87. Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.
  88. "I’m a big fan of yours, Groucho." Groucho:"If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
  89. "This is a gala day for you." Groucho: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don’t think I could handle any more."
  90. You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces?
  91. Groucho: "Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married?" Woman: "All of us? But that’s bigamy!" Groucho: "Yes, and it’s big-a-me too."
  92. I’ve been around so long I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.
  93. If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don’t come running to me.
  94. Budget: a way of going broke methodically.
  95. Whatever it is I’m against it.
  96. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
  97. I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately, the resemblance doesn’t end there.
  98. How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them.
  99. Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
  100. Mrs. Teasdale: "He’s had a change of heart." Groucho "A lot of good that’ll do him. He’s still got the same face."
  101. Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.
  102. To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can’t see the stove!
  103. Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made.
  104. Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
  105. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
  106. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Sogno di una notte di mezzo inverno

Stanotte ho sognato una storia così ingarbugliata che devo raccontarla. E pensando a dove farlo, mi son detto che è meglio nel mio personalissimo sito web, piuttosto che su un blog gestito da altri.
Insomma, per venire al dunque, la parte della storia che ricordo è solo l’ultimissimo segmento, lasciando spazio per chissà quali rocambolesche avventure nel lungo prologo.

[…] e quindi entro, tramite una porta scorrevole in stile Doom II, in un enorme stanzone nel quale campeggia un cannone automatico a quadruplo laser azzurro, che subito dopo aver rilevato la mia presenza fa per girarsi verso di me. Ormai preparato all’impreparabile, mi tuffo di corsa dietro di esso e corro oltre, evitando la vaporizzazione. Assieme a me, mi accorgo, c’è un compagno di viaggio così importuno che sembra Richard Cunningham di Happy Days. Ci arrampichiamo assieme su una altissima pittaforma metallica che si trova nello stanzone, sullo stesso lato del cannone automatico a quadruplo laser azzurro, ma molto più distante dall’ingresso. Stranamente il cannone ci ignora durante questa manovra. Le scale metalliche che portano alla piattaforma metallica sono zigzaganti ma oltremodo ripide, e ci cruogioliamo una volta in cima beatamente sdraiati a recuperare fiato. Da quella altezza mi rendo conto che in realtà lo stanzone è una specie di hangar, un cui lato è completamente aperto all’esteno (e qui mi chiedo, ma per quale motivo non me ne sono accorto prima), e triste realtà delle tristi realtà, si apre, lateralmente, su un campo di battaglia dalla forma di un largo corridoio (dall’altro lato del corridoio ci sono edifici non ben specificati l’accesso ai quali è non ben specificato). In questo largo corridoio si affrontano successive ondate di truppe; quelle "amiche" indossano tutte una maglietta aderente verde militare che lascia trasparire torsi robustie muscolosi, un passamontagna nero, pantaloni mimetici militari, e anfibi. Praticamente sembrano i terroristi di Counterstrike. Suppongo di averli identificati come "amici" perché gli altri sono molto peggio: infatti noto subito schierati dalla parte opposta dei grossi carri robotizzati aracnidiformi, di quelli che vengono dipinti nel futuro cibernetico di Ghost in the Shell – Stand Alone Complex, ma (magari fa tendenza) sono completamente pitturati in stile mimetico militare, e sono dotati di batterie di missili a tracciamento termico (ovviamente); dalla loro parte, ci sono anche vaste truppe che sembrano composte dai soldati imperiali in uniforme bianca di Star Wars.
Spaventato da tutto ciò, ma rendendomi anche conto che quei poveretti dei miei "alleati" sono in inferiorità tattica e numerica, decido di far qualcosa; ed è qui che mi dico "ma sono dentro Half Life 2!"… infatti, con mia sorpresa, mi scopro a trasportare 5 granate, ed esattamente 5, che sembrano barattoli di pelati da 250gr con il manico, solo che sono colorati di verde scuro. Insomma, prendo bene la mira, tenendo in considerazione la velocità di avanzamento dei carri robotizzati, e la distanza che la granata stessa deve percorrere; le prime due granate finiscono per accucciarsi sotto la pancia dei suddetti carri robotizzati, subito dopo aver mostrato la loro scia luminosa rossa per indicare "attenti, stiamo per esplodere, allontanatevi", granate altruiste. E’ quando sento la voce robotica dei soldati imperiali in uniforme bianca dire "move out!" che decido definitivamente di trovarmi in qualche strano mod per Half Life 2. Insomma, le prime due granate esplodono sotto i carri, ma senza atterrarli; in compenso però feriscono gravemente, spazzandolo via, qualche soldato alleato.
Finalmente appare il succo della forza nemica, ovvero una ondata di soldati che hanno l’esatto aspetto degli alieni nel film "Alien"; gongolando di eccitazione, lancio una granata in mezzo al gruppo, e questa esplodendo coinvolge un Alien ed un altro nemico, che potrebbe sembrare un soldato imperiale in uniforme bianca… solo che è nero. Forse è stato annerito dall’esplosione, mah. Comunque i due vengono proiettati dall’esplosione in un lungo volo orizzontale radente il suolo, facendo zig-zag tra gli altri Alien marcianti. Gaudente della scena, mi libero in un esultante grido, ed assieme a me anche Richard Cunningham, proprio come fanno i ribelli di Half Life 2 dopo aver abbattuto uno Strider o una Gunchip dei Combine: nel mio caso invece si trattava di due unità in un esercito ancora nutrito, ed il grido, naturalmente, non fa altro che attirarmi contro l’attenzione dell’intero campo di battaglia, carri robotizzati aracnidiformi compresi, che puntano verso la mia piattaforma metallica raggiunta da scale metalliche le batterie di missili. Io e Richard Cunningham scendiamo di corsa le scale… io per primo; credendolo un rifugio sicuro corro dietro il cannone automatico a quadruplo laser azzurro, ma con mia sorpresa, pur credendo che il campo di mira fosse di soli 180°, mi rendo conto che lo stesso cannone è in grado di girare su se stesso per 360° quando i suoi fasci collimati iniziano ad avvicinarsi alla mia spalla sinistra, quindi mi rotolo sotto di essi, corro verso l’apertura dell’hangar con il cannone che mi insegue nel suo campo visivo, e finalmente mi butto all’esterno.
Già, mi butto all’esterno.
Esattamente in mezzo al campo di battaglia, ai carri robotizzati aracnidiformi, ai soldati imperiali in uniforme bianca che probabilmente si annerisce una volta investita dall’esplosione di una granata a forma di barattolo di pelati da 250gr col manico e di colore verde scuro, e assieme alle truppe di Alien. E ciò che è peggio, Richard Cunningham non è più con me, e non so che fine abbia fatto, siccome non lo vedo più neanche nell’hangar. E lì mi accorgo che i numeri rossi in basso a destra nel mio campo visivo, e che si suppone indichino le mie statistiche vitali, sono a zero per la tuta HEV, e ad un livello inferiore a 10 per i punti salute. La prima cosa che mi dico è: "Da quando in qua è cambiato il layout dell’HUD di Half Life 2?" e immediatamente dopo "Come mai sono quasi morto?"; la prima domanda non trova risposta, mentre per la seconda decido di convincermi che sono stato colpito alle spalle dal fascio laser quadruplo del cannone automatico a laser quadruplo azzurro, e non me ne sono accorto, appunto perché si tratta di un sogno. Sfuggendo oltre nel campo di battaglia, inoltrandomi nelle forze alleate in cerca di medkit, mi accorgo invece che c’è una vera e propria stazione di ricarica. Ora, si tratta di un sogno, quindi la stazione di ricarica non è esattamente come quelle ex-combine sparse nel mondo di Half Life 2, ma più esattamente somiglia ad una vecchia pompa di benzina, di metallo semi-arrugginito e coperta da una vernice biancasta che si sta spellando. Da questa pompa di benzina semiarrugginita e biancastra si diparte un tubicino di gomma con un aggancio terminale che ricorda in miniatura il bocchettone di una pompa GPL. Suppongo che l’affare vada agganciato da qualche parte nella mia HEV suite, ma solo a quel punto mi rendo conto di non indossare nessuna tuta HEV, e con la più totale naturalezza mi infilo il piccolo bocchettone nell’ombelico. Le mie statistiche vitali vengono ora visualizzate sul pannello della pompa di benzina semiarrugginita e biancasra, e noto che per primo aumenta il valore di carica della HEV suite che non indosso, fino ad oltre 100 (penso subito all’ultimo livello di Half Life 2), ma presto assume un valore numerico random di 5 cifre; successivamente la stessa cosa accade per il valore degli health points. Ben venga, mi dico.
Appena di stacco dall’ombelico il tubo di gomma, si fa vivo il presentimento di essere in un pericolo immediato: infatti in lontananza vedo un colosso che sembra The Rock de La Mummia, ma che porta con sé una enorme clava… molto più pericoloso quindi. Inizio a fuggire correndo per quello che sembra il sentiero sterrato di una grande piantagione
, e mentre fuggo, mi accorgo che non sono Gordon Freeman, ma Motoko di Ghost in the Shell – Stand Alone Complex. Cerco di seminare per quanto possibile il mio inseguitore, senza nessun vantaggio, nonostante il mio corpo cibernetico superpompato mostri più agilità dei suoi arti massicci che si spostano lentamente l’uno davanti all’altro. Questo, durante la fuga, mi fa pensare alla scena dell’inseguimento in Gone in 60 seconds, ma quello originale del 1974, non il remake, dove per quanto Maindrian, nella Ford Mustang, si destreggi in abili manovre, si ritrova sempre le volanti della polizia col fiato sul suo collo. Insomma, ironia della sorte, alla fine di questa piantagione trovo un’altra piattaforma metallica raggiunta da ripide e zigzaganti scale metalliche, evidentemente vanno di moda in questo mondo onirico. Intraprendo più in fretta che posso la scalata, stavolta senza Richard Cunningham, e mi acquatto sulla piattaforma metallica raggiunta da zigzaganti e ripide scale metalliche, ma The Rock è non solo in grado di salire a sua volta, bensì lo fa ad una ragguardevole velocità. Io mi precipito in basso, e qui non ricordo se scivolando giù per le scale in stile Price Of Persia I due troni, sul lato delle scale metalliche opposto a quello per cui sta salendo The Rock, oppure se avvantanggiandomi del mio corpo cibertnetico superpompato mi tuffo in un salto a volo d’angelo atterrando alla velocità di 36 metri al secondo. Quello che ricordo è che mi getto in una pazza fuga tornando per dove me ne ero venuto, ma non prima di notare che, alla mia sinistra, giù per una depressione che sembra vulcanica, c’è un piccolo lago semicoperto da alghe e fronde di alberi, nel quale stanno nuotando due o più persone; combatto la voglia di gettarmi anche io per un bagno, e proseguo nella fuga.
Stranamente, ma è pur sempre un sogno, mi trovo tra i filari della vigna vicino la mia casa nella vita reale, e non in mezzo al campo di battaglia che si trovava proprio nella direzione verso la quale stavo correndo. Si tratta di un terreno morbido, perché regolarmente arato da un trattore, e in pendenza. Io mi getto in preda al panico tra i fili metallici con acrobazie che sembrano quelle di Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrampment, ma in fast-forward, mentre The Rock inesorabile procede travolgendo tutto ciò che si trova nel suo percorso. Alla fine giungo al termine della vigna, e non so come, ma io e The Rock ci concediamo una tregua ed iniziamo a chiacchierare amichevolmente del più e del meno, comodamente stesi a terra. Da vicino The Rock non sembra in realtà The Rock: è brutto quanto la fame, e inverosimilmente grasso, i suoi rotoli di lardo ricoperti di peluria riccia fuoriescono avvicendandosi da sopra la cintola; è a questo punto che si fa avanti e si dichiara nei miei confronti in maniera piuttosto esplicita… in fondo sono sempre Motoko. Io rifiuto in maniera decisa, ma gentilmente, per non farlo alterare, siccome per quanto brutto e grasso, è sempre grosso abbastanza da provocarmi notevoli danni fisici, soprattutto ad una distanza dalla quale non avrei tempo per sfuggirgli; sul suo volto si dipinge una espressione di profonda delusione.
E’ in quel momento che dall’ingresso stradale della vigna giunge un piccolo camion dal quale scendono un signore di mezza età magro e coi baffetti, che sembra Marrabbio, il papà di Licia, quella di Kiss me Licia, e una giovane ragazzetta, che sulle prime penso essere sua figlia (no, non sembrava Licia nel sogno… ma ora, ripensandoci…) ma mi confessa semplicemente essere una sua impiegata, la quale subito dopo scherza sul fatto che Marrabbio ci provi costantemente con lei. I due parlano con qualche personaggio esterno a quelli già elencati, e che non mi sono premurato di idenitificare, forse era un Alien che aveva ordinato pizze per tutto l’esercito nemico, forse era qualcun altro. La versione brutta e grassa di The Rock è misteriosamente scomparsa, forse umiliata dal mio rifiuto, ed io mi metto a giocherellare con un traino motorizzato installato sul camion, la corda del quale era avvolta in maniera piuttosto disordinata, quindi svolgo il tutto e lo riavvolgo correttamente, Marrabbio ringrazia, parlaimo del più e del meno, e di come oggi come oggi è difficile tenere in ordine le corde dei traini meccanini dei camion… poi il sogno si fa sfumato, e suona la sveglia del mio cellulare.

Amen.