I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.
Marriage is a wonderful institution…if, of course, you like living in an institution.
I know, I know, you’re a woman who’s been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.
Althought it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Blood’s not thicker than money. I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.
You’ve forgotten those June nights at the Riviera… the night I drank champagne from your slipper–two quarts. It would had been more but you were wearing inner soles.
I drink to make other eople interesting.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can fell the breeze from here!
There is only one way to find if a man is honest…ask him. If he says ‘yes’, you know he is crooked.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!
You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
I’ve had a perfect wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
My mother loved children—she would have given anything if I had been one.
I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I’m going to Iowa for an award. Then I’m appearing at Carnegie Hall, it’s sold out. Then I’m sailing to France to be honoured by the French government. I’d give it all up for one erection.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Ice water? Get some onions – that’ll make your eyes water!
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Time flies like an arrow. Time wounds all heels. So just what ARE time flies, and why do they fly like an ARROW?
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don’t want any!"
Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin’ eyes?
Behind every succesful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
Remember man, you’re fighting for the lady’s honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
Oh are you from Wales?? Do you know a fella named Jonah?? He used to live in whales for a while.
Look, if you don’t like like my parties, you can live in an huff. If it’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed… But we’re going back next week.
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.
I was married by a judge. should have asked for a jury.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
I’ll never forget my wedding day… they threw vitamin pills.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago… I shot my broker.
As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
"Do you believe in computer dating?" Groucho:"Only if the computers really love each other"
Groucho:"How did you met your wife?" "A friend of mine" Groucho: "Do you still regard him as a friend?"
"She kicked me under the table" Groucho:"Really?? And did you remain there?"
"Oh, it’s right on the edge of my tongue" Groucho:"Well, stick your tongue out"
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.
I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho:"So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?" "Yes, thirteen." Groucho:"Thirteen! Good lord, isn’t that a burden?" "Well, I love my husband." Groucho:"Lady, I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."
I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
Groucho:"How much am I paying you folks?" "Five thousand a year. But we’ve never been paid!" Groucho:"Well in that case I’ll raise it to eight thousand."
Why don’t you bore a hole into your head and let the sap run out?
Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.
"I’m a big fan of yours, Groucho." Groucho:"If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
"This is a gala day for you." Groucho: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don’t think I could handle any more."
You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces?
Groucho: "Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married?" Woman: "All of us? But that’s bigamy!" Groucho: "Yes, and it’s big-a-me too."
I’ve been around so long I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.
If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don’t come running to me.
Budget: a way of going broke methodically.
Whatever it is I’m against it.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately, the resemblance doesn’t end there.
How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them.
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
Mrs. Teasdale: "He’s had a change of heart." Groucho "A lot of good that’ll do him. He’s still got the same face."
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.
To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can’t see the stove!
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.